THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE
FOREVER JULY 20TH 2015
This time last year I was normal and had a full function in my body, I was happy and content and just starting to live our lives again after so many upsets. How I feel today is broken, lost with an uncertain future, I've lost Tel he is so lost buried deep in a world of pain now, I don't know whether he will ever come back again, I miss him it has taken nearly 52 years to create him and it only took a split 2nd to take all what I built of me away, I feel so lost it's hard to explain it's like not having an identity. I feel so low at times, I go into the darkest moments because it has taken the life and soul of Tel away. Mine and Angela's lives are changed forever I feel such a burden on her because she has to do everything for me, and on some occasions all I give her his two barrels of bottled up frustration and hate of which the accident has made me into, I wished I could just take it all away and begin our lives again, I know I can't there is no going back, it's hard most days to look forward, in my darkest and loneliness times there is no future or looking forward.
Of all the things that have happened to Ang and I since we first met, this is far the worst. We've coped with the trauma of the car accident, the loss of her mum and my dad, my high lumber pressure. We've withstood all of them. We had a good future and could move on from it all, but this accident towers over all of them, because we don't know what the future holds for us. Being disabled changes everything, the simple tasks in life become so difficult to do. The making of a bed to making a drink aren't so straight forward any more. Everyday life changes, one day I'm bright and looking to the future the next is our future is ruined, I can be up one minute but the next I can be so low with very dark thoughts, lost in a world you wouldn't wish on worst enemies. Emotions run so high to so low, when you can't stop crying, to the hatred of everyone with happy lives. Then the complete contentment of my employers as they've just put me at the back of a dusty shelf and left to be forgotten. The thought of the person who did this to me going about their daily business, seeing their family, enjoying the banter of the so called workmates, getting on with their life as though nothing has happened, HOW I HATE Them!. My regrets are that Ang and I are in a broken family unit, being in most cases I guess when two people come together with a previous family. I love Ang with all my heart and I love my daughters the same, I even love my step daughters even though we have had our huge falling outs. If some one gave me the choice in life of having anything i would choose a happy family unit above anything, even if I could go back in time and change the way I am, it would still be the same choice.
Today 19th July 2016 is a hard day because the same day last year I was Tel happy and full of life, but now I'm not, I'm a changed man, a ruined man, a lost man, a sad man, a man who has lost his true identity, a man who finds it hard to look to the future, a man who has succumbed to having to watch his wife slogging her life away looking after me, and doing all the things I should be doing. A man who is reliant on someone else for the rest of his life. I'm not a man now I'm a statistic of the system, how my life has changed, I know I must look to the future and achieve new goals, I do try. I have so many ideas in my head that I want to do but with so many things in my life going wrong, I find it hard to think that I will achieve them. I want to make a difference, I want to give hope to so many people who suffer just like me, I need to turn it into a passion or I believe I will lose my true identity and be lost forever. Tel please come back I miss you so much, without you I can't smile, I can't laugh, I can't breathe, I can't survive, you were my soul, my heart, my lust for life, you made me happy, you made me who I was, you was Tel. But Tel you've gone away maybe forever I don't know, I don't know if I can rebuild a new Tel I don't want too though he's what made me, me! Life is what you make it they say, but I didn't make this, they did, they made my life dark, alone, scared, lost and hell, I don't want tomorrow to come I'm scared of what will happen I don't want to be alone, but I have no choice, They took that away too! What choices do I get now for myself....none!
PTSD and depression please go away give me my sanity back, please let me live my life without sorrow and pain, please let me sleep at night, Oh how I hate the nights the feeling of being all alone, the thoughts of loss and sadness scare me so much, the feeling of being apart from everything you love, being distant hurts so much, you want to say so much but all you have inside is darkness and emptiness, you try so hard not to hurt the people you love so much but it's like a voice in your head saying your worthless, it's like being attacked from within, you have no control of it, you want it to go away but it never does, why doesn't it go away, why does it have to cause so much pain in my life?
It's the 20th of July 2016 this is the day I've been dreading.